Jenna Birch's new book sat on my desk for months before I open it. The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love is about why smart, successful independent women - the type of women men profess to want - have trouble finding steady relationships.

在我打开珍娜·伯奇的新书之前，它已经在我的桌上躺了好几个月了。The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love这本书写的是为什么聪慧、成功、独立的女性很难找到稳定的恋情--就是男人声称希望得到的那种女人。

For years my single girlfriends and I have been told by the men we date: You're everything I'm looking for, but I just don't feel it. Or: You're great, but I'm just not ready for a relationship. We've heard the same refrains for decades, in breakup talks with men in their 20s, 30s, even their 40s. I didn't want to open the book because it felt too close to home.

多年来，约会对象都对我和我的单身姐妹如是说：你就是我要找的一切，但我却感受不到。或者：你很好，但我还没准备好开始一段恋情。几十年来，20多岁、30多岁、甚至40多岁的男人都会在分手谈话中说同样的话，我们听太多遍了。我不想翻开这本书、怕扎心。

But I'm glad I did. Because in it I found empathy for the women who hear these things and the men who say them. And an explanation for why seemingly good matches fall apart or never come to fruition.

但我很高兴我打开了。因为在这本书中，我看到了对听到这些话的女性的同情，以及对说这些话的男性的同情。这本书也解释了为什么看起来天造地设的一对会分手或者从未修成正果。

Perplexed by her own dating struggles, Birch dug into research and spoke to 100 men and women about why it's so hard to find the relationship they desire. She does more than blame online dating's flakiness and an abundance of choice - which singles have been living through for years. Rather, Birch finds an explanation in the enduring pressure men feel to be providers, even in an era when, in about a third of married or cohabiting couples, women bring in half or more of the household's earnings.

受约会的困扰，伯奇深入研究，与100位男女交谈：为什么很难找到他们希望得到的那种恋情。她不单指责网络约会的片面性和选择的多样性--多年来单身人士都是这么过的。相反，伯奇在男性作为养家主力所承受的持久压力中找到了解释，甚至在约三分之一的已婚或同居夫妇的时代中，女性带来的收入是家庭收入的一半或更多。

Until men can provide for a family, Birch finds, they don't feel comfortable dating seriously or making a lifelong commitment. And no matter how much men say they want an equal partner, a woman who's smart and independent, studies find that such women often make men feel emasculated or inferior.

伯奇发现，在男性可以养家糊口之前，他们觉得认真约会或者做出终身承诺并不自在。不管男性说他们多么想要一个和他们一样的另一半，聪慧独立的女性总会让男人感到沮丧或自卑，研究发现。

Birch and I spoke about her book last week; the following interview has been edited for clarity and length. How did you decide that this was the question you wanted to interrogate?

上周，我和伯奇聊了聊她的新书；下面这段视频已经过剪辑，既清晰又长度适中。你是如何认定这就是你想问的问题的呢？

Jenna Birch's new book sat on my desk for months before I open it. The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love is about why smart, successful independent women - the type of women men profess to want - have trouble finding steady relationships.

在我打开珍娜·伯奇的新书之前，它已经在我的桌上躺了好几个月了。The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love这本书写的是为什么聪慧、成功、独立的女性很难找到稳定的恋情--就是男人声称希望得到的那种女人。

For years my single girlfriends and I have been told by the men we date: You're everything I'm looking for, but I just don't feel it. Or: You're great, but I'm just not ready for a relationship. We've heard the same refrains for decades, in breakup talks with men in their 20s, 30s, even their 40s. I didn't want to open the book because it felt too close to home.

多年来，约会对象都对我和我的单身姐妹如是说：你就是我要找的一切，但我却感受不到。或者：你很好，但我还没准备好开始一段恋情。几十年来，20多岁、30多岁、甚至40多岁的男人都会在分手谈话中说同样的话，我们听太多遍了。我不想翻开这本书、怕扎心。

But I'm glad I did. Because in it I found empathy for the women who hear these things and the men who say them. And an explanation for why seemingly good matches fall apart or never come to fruition.

但我很高兴我打开了。因为在这本书中，我看到了对听到这些话的女性的同情，以及对说这些话的男性的同情。这本书也解释了为什么看起来天造地设的一对会分手或者从未修成正果。

Perplexed by her own dating struggles, Birch dug into research and spoke to 100 men and women about why it's so hard to find the relationship they desire. She does more than blame online dating's flakiness and an abundance of choice - which singles have been living through for years. Rather, Birch finds an explanation in the enduring pressure men feel to be providers, even in an era when, in about a third of married or cohabiting couples, women bring in half or more of the household's earnings.

受约会的困扰，伯奇深入研究，与100位男女交谈：为什么很难找到他们希望得到的那种恋情。她不单指责网络约会的片面性和选择的多样性--多年来单身人士都是这么过的。相反，伯奇在男性作为养家主力所承受的持久压力中找到了解释，甚至在约三分之一的已婚或同居夫妇的时代中，女性带来的收入是家庭收入的一半或更多。

Until men can provide for a family, Birch finds, they don't feel comfortable dating seriously or making a lifelong commitment. And no matter how much men say they want an equal partner, a woman who's smart and independent, studies find that such women often make men feel emasculated or inferior.

伯奇发现，在男性可以养家糊口之前，他们觉得认真约会或者做出终身承诺并不自在。不管男性说他们多么想要一个和他们一样的另一半，聪慧独立的女性总会让男人感到沮丧或自卑，研究发现。

Birch and I spoke about her book last week; the following interview has been edited for clarity and length. How did you decide that this was the question you wanted to interrogate?

上周，我和伯奇聊了聊她的新书；下面这段视频已经过剪辑，既清晰又长度适中。你是如何认定这就是你想问的问题的呢？